Grief During the Holidays: How to Get Through Thanksgiving and December After a Loss
The holidays are built around who's at the table. When someone is missing, every part of the season can point to the loss: the empty chair, the recipe nobody else makes, the group chat that's one name shorter. If you're dreading Thanksgiving this year, that isn't a sign you're grieving "wrong." It's a sign the person mattered.
This guide is for anyone heading into the holidays after a death, and also after a divorce, an estrangement, or another loss that changed what this time of year looks like.
Why the holidays make grief louder
Grief doesn't follow a calendar, but the holidays turn up the volume for a few reasons:
- Rituals are full of reminders. Traditions are where memories live, so the season keeps asking you to do the things you used to do with them.
- Everyone else seems happy. Office parties, ads and social media can make you feel out of step with the world.
- Family roles shift. Someone has to host, carve or organize now, and those changes can bring up tension or new grief.
- The "firsts" hit hard. The first Thanksgiving, the first December, the first New Year's without them. Each one can feel like losing them again.
It's also common for grief that felt manageable in October to come back strongly in late November. That isn't a setback. It's the season.
Plan the day before it arrives
The anticipation is often worse than the day itself. A simple plan takes some of the dread away.
Decide what you want to keep, change or skip. You don't have to do everything the way it's always been done. Pick one or two traditions that feel meaningful, and give yourself permission to drop the rest this year.
Tell people what you need. Most friends and family want to help but don't know how. Be specific: "I'd like to say his name at dinner," or "I need to leave by 7."
Have an exit plan. Drive yourself. Know where you can take a 10-minute break. Leaving early is allowed.
Make room for the person you lost. Light a candle, cook their dish, share a story, or set a photo at the table. Many people find that including the loss feels better than working around it.
Build in recovery time. Leave the day after Thanksgiving open if you can. Grief is tiring, and holiday social time is tiring too.
Take care of the basics
Grief affects your body as well as your mood. During the holidays, protect sleep, eat regular meals, and get outside during daylight. Be careful with alcohol. It can feel like it takes the edge off, but it disrupts sleep and tends to deepen low moods the next day.
It also helps to let your feelings be mixed. You can laugh at a holiday party and miss someone deeply on the drive home. Joy doesn't betray the person you lost.
When grief needs more support
Grief isn't a problem to fix, and most people adjust over time with support from the people around them. But for some, grief stays intense and gets in the way of life long after the loss.
In 2022, the American Psychiatric Association added prolonged grief disorder to the DSM-5-TR. It's diagnosed in adults when, at least 12 months after a death, intense yearning for or preoccupation with the person continues most days and makes it hard to function. Research suggests roughly 1 in 10 people bereaved by natural causes develop it, and the risk is higher after sudden or violent losses.
You don't need a diagnosis to get help. Consider talking to a therapist if:
- It's been months and the pain hasn't eased at all
- You can't do things that remind you of the person, or can't do anything else
- Life feels meaningless, or you feel you've lost part of who you are
- You're relying on alcohol or other substances to cope
- Work, sleep or relationships are noticeably suffering
- You're dreading the holidays so much that it's affecting you now
-
Therapy for grief isn't about "moving on." It helps you carry the loss in a way that leaves room for the rest of your life. Approaches like cognitive behavioral therapy and grief-focused treatment have strong research support.
If you're having thoughts of suicide or of not wanting to be here, call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, any time. If you're in immediate danger, call 911.
How Elite Psychology Group can help
At Elite Psychology Group, our psychologists and therapists help people through grief, loss and the life transitions that come with them. We see clients in person in West Los Angeles and by telehealth across California, and we're in-network with Blue Shield of California, Anthem Blue Cross and Aetna. We can help you check your benefits before your first session.
If you're dreading the holidays this year, you don't have to get through them alone. Schedule a consultation today.
FAQ
How do you get through the first holiday after a loss? Plan ahead, keep only the traditions that feel meaningful, tell people what you need, and give yourself a way to step away. Many people find it helps to honor the person openly, such as sharing a story or cooking a favorite dish.
Is it normal not to feel festive after a death? Yes. Sadness, numbness, anger and even guilt about enjoying yourself are all common, especially during the first year.
When does grief need therapy? Consider therapy if grief isn't easing over time, is disrupting sleep, work or relationships, or has you leaning on alcohol or isolation to cope. You don't need to wait until the 12-month mark to get support.
What is prolonged grief disorder? It's a diagnosis added to the DSM-5-TR in 2022 for grief that stays intense and impairing at least a year after a death in adults. It is treatable.
Does insurance cover grief counseling? Often, yes, when grief is causing symptoms that affect daily life. EPG is in-network with Blue Shield of California, Anthem Blue Cross and Aetna, and can help you verify your benefits.
