Turning Towards: How Small Moments Have Lasting Relational Impacts
Movies, television, and social media often lead us to think healthy relationships require grand gestures or dramatic moments of connection. But what if the secret to lasting relationships lies in the smallest everyday interactions?
Sustainable Relationships Supported by Research
Decades of research have shown that successful couples are not those who have fewer conflicts or greater compatibility – they simply handle the small moments differently. These micro-interactions create the foundation for relationship resilience and long-term satisfaction.
What are Bids for Connection?
Dr. John and Julie Gottman, some of the world’s leading relationship researchers, identified a fundamental unit of emotional connection in a relationship called “bids for connection.”
A bid for connection is any attempt to get your partner’s attention, affection, or support. These bids are ways we feel seen and can be verbal or nonverbal, direct or indirect, and often happen in small, everyday moments.
Here’s what matters: it’s not the bid itself, but how we respond to it. The Gottman's identified three responses:
- Turning toward: acknowledging and engaging with the bid
- Turning away: ignoring or missing the bid
- Turning against: responding with hostility or irritation
In their research with newlyweds over six years, the Gottmans discovered that partners who stayed together turned toward each other's bids 86% of the time, while those who divorced only turned toward 33% of the time (Gottman Institute).
The Emotional Bank Account & 5:1 Ratio
Think of your relationship as an emotional bank account. Just like with money, you’re constantly making deposits and withdrawals based on how you interact.
Every time you turn toward your partner, you make a deposit. Every time you turn away or against them, you make a withdrawal.
The Gottman's also discovered a “magic ratio”: for every 1 negative interaction, healthy couples have at least 5 positive ones. Since no relationship is conflict-free, this ratio builds a buffer of resilience and goodwill. When small positive moments outweigh the negative ones, relationships become more stable.
Daily Ways to Turn Toward Your Partner
The beauty of this research? You don’t need dramatic gestures to improve your relationship – you can start right now, at home, in small but meaningful ways. Here are some simple ways to turn towards your partner:
- Express Fondness and Appreciation
Verbalize gratitude often. For example, offer genuine compliments or say “thank you for making coffee.”
- Prioritize Presence Over Perfection
You don’t need the perfect response – just be present. Put your phone down, make eye contact, and express interest.
- Build Rituals of Connection
Create routines like morning greetings, goodbye kisses, or evening check-ins. These small rituals build a strong emotional foundation over time.
- Manage Stress and Distraction
When we are feeling overwhelmed, we are more likely to miss a bid. Practice self-care and stress management so you have the emotional capacity to connect.
The Takeaway
Building a lasting relationship isn't about perfection – it's about consistency in the small moments.
Every time you:
- Choose to respond instead of ignore,
- Reach out instead of withdraw, or
- Respond with curiosity instead of dismissal, you're making a powerful investment in your relationship.
Start noticing the bids your partner makes today. How often are you turning toward them? The answer might just transform your relationship.
References
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown Publishers.
The Gottman Institute. "Turn Towards Instead of Away." https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/
