A common talking point in my sessions is about worry. Worry about a meeting, a slide deck presentation, a tennis match, or a conversation with a spouse or family member. Worry is a term that is ubiquitous. It’s seemingly taught to us when we’re young by social referencing or by direct instruction from a parent, teacher, or coach. “Don’t worry, you will do fine on your math final” or “Don’t worry about it, it will all work out.” It’s very hard due to this social conditioning, to not worry. For one, besides the sheer exposure to the term and context in which it is used, when we hear the phrase, “don’t worry.” The way our minds work, we actually skip over the “don’t” part and our minds track “worry.” Partially, it’s a holdover in our primal brains to keep us safe, scan the environment for threats, and get us through another day. But, nowadays, it’s become an overgeneralized word attached to unhelpful phrases that reinforce the whole cycle.
I generally see “worry” or “worrying” as an ineffective thinking process about something that doesn’t even exist…the future. If we look at thinking on a continuum, we can have worry on one end and calm or grounded thinking at the other end. I view worrying as essentially an ineffective thinking pattern. While it can mean that we are invested in a topic or care about a performance or a relationship, it can distort our perspective as we try to navigate through the experience. And as we have likely experienced, worrying doesn’t change the outcome of what we are worried about. But it sure does make the experience very unpleasant.
Worry is tied to anxiety and anxiety is essentially fear manifesting. Everyone has a different relationship to fear and anxiety. For some it’s always close to the surface, as constant worriers or diagnosed as General Anxiety Disorder. For those of us who have experienced trauma, fear and anxiety is a natural response that can become a way of life after the life threatening situation has ended. For others, fear and anxiety are more subtle and may not even play much of a role in their life.
So what do we do with worry, anxiety, and fear? First, I think it’s good to know what we’re dealing with in any situation. The more we study it and get to know the landscape, the more information we have and can navigate through it. Then it means training our mind’s “spotlight of attention” through activities like mindfulness, meditation, and breathwork. It also means engaging the body in physical activity to reconnect and engage the autonomic nervous system to help restore balance to our bodies.
I also describe this information I have presented above and encourage my clients to become mindful in how they talk to themselves about stress, worry, and anxiety. For one, reducing the number of times we use the word “worry” is a good start. It may seem simple and it is. When we practice this one mindful task of mindfulness of speech, we are starting to shift our relationship to the thoughts, emotions, actions, and physical responses our bodies are constantly engaged in throughout the day. With practice, we get better at it and over time, we find ourselves less worried and more calm, relaxed, and present, even with the daily storms of life spinning around us.
