5 Tools to Manage Your Emotions and Set Boundaries This Holiday Season
The holiday season brings joy, connection, and sometimes stress when gathering with family. Old dynamics can resurface, expectations run high, and we might find ourselves feeling overwhelmed or reactive.
The good news? You have more control than you think. These five practical tools will help you navigate family gatherings with greater calm, clarity, and confidence.
Tool 1: The Circle of Control
When family dynamics feel overwhelming, this simple visual exercise helps you focus your energy where it matters most.
How to use it: Draw a large circle on a piece of paper. Inside the circle, write "What's In My Control" at the top. Outside the circle, write "Out of My Control."
Inside your circle (what you CAN control):
- How I respond to comments or criticism
- My tone of voice and body language
- How much I share about my personal life
- Setting and maintaining my boundaries
- My breathing and self-soothing techniques
- Whether I engage in certain conversations
- How long I stay at gatherings
- What I eat, drink, and wear
- My sleep schedule and self-care routine
Outside your circle (what you CAN'T control):
- Other people's opinions or judgments
- Family members' behavior or choices
- Old family patterns and dynamics
- Others' expectations of me
- Political views or controversial topics others bring up
- How people react to my boundaries
- Family drama between other relatives
- The past or previous holiday experiences
Why this works: This exercise is rooted in acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) principles. When you're clear about what you can control, you stop draining emotional energy trying to change things outside your control. Research shows that focusing on our locus of control reduces anxiety and increases our sense of agency. You empower yourself by redirecting attention to your responses, choices, and actions.
Tool 2: Values-Based Affirmations
Your values are your compass. When family interactions feel chaotic, affirmations rooted in your core values keep you grounded and aligned with who you want to be.
How to create your affirmations: First, identify your top 3-5 values. These might include things like authenticity, compassion, or joy. Next, create affirmations that reflect these values. Use present tense "I am" statements that feel true and empowering.
Examples:
If you value authenticity: "I honor my truth while respecting others. I don't need to pretend to be someone I'm not."
If you value compassion: "I respond with compassion to myself and others, even in difficult moments."
If you value joy: "I focus on moments of connection and joy. I get to choose where I place my attention."
How to use them: Write your affirmations down and read them before family gatherings. Keep them on your phone to review when you need a reset. Repeat them silently when you feel triggered or overwhelmed.
Why this works: Values-based affirmations ground you in what truly matters to you, helping you respond from intention rather than reaction. When we're operating from our values, we experience greater psychological flexibility and emotional resilience. These affirmations activate your prefrontal cortex—the part of your brain responsible for thoughtful decision-making—rather than letting your amygdala (the reactive, emotional center) take over. They remind you of who you want to be in moments when family dynamics try to pull you back into old roles or patterns.
Tool 3: Set Your Intention (Know Your Why)
Before any family gathering, get clear on your intention. Why are you going? What matters most to you about this event? This helps you stay rooted in your purpose, even when things get hard.
Questions to ask yourself:
- What is my main reason for attending this gathering?
- What would make this experience feel meaningful or worthwhile?
- What kind of person do I want to be during this event?
- What moments or connections am I hoping for?
- What would success look like for me?
Examples:
"My intention is to connect with my nieces and nephews and create happy memories with them."
"I'm going because I want to honor my relationship with my parents, even though extended family can be challenging."
"My why is to celebrate traditions that matter to me and the people I care about."
Why this works: When you know your why, you have a clear purpose that's bigger than any single uncomfortable moment. By reflecting on what truly matters, you have the opportunity to set realistic goals within your control. This releases the pressure of achieving the perfect holiday, reduces the impacts of complex family dynamics, and empowers you to define success on your own terms by focusing on meaningful moments rather than others' expectations.
Tool 4: Identify Your "Shoulds"
The word "should" carries enormous weight during the holidays. Behind this simple word lies internalized expectations that fuel guilt, resentment, and a sense of never being enough. Identifying your "shoulds" helps you distinguish between authentic values and external pressures.
How to use it: Take some time before holiday gatherings to write down all the "shoulds" running through your mind. Get them out on paper without judgment.
Common holiday "shoulds":
- I should attend every family event
- I should have a certain type of holiday experience
- I should be able to handle this better
Then, challenge each "should" by asking:
- Says who? Where did this expectation come from?
- Is this truly my value, or someone else's?
- What would happen if I didn't follow this "should"?
- What do I actually want or need in this situation?
- How can I reframe this "should" into a choice?
Reframe your "shoulds" into choices:
- "I should attend every family event" → "I can choose which gatherings feel meaningful and manageable for me"
- "I should have a certain type of holiday experience" → "I can create a holiday experience that honors my reality and my needs"
- "I should be able to handle this better" → "I'm doing the best I can with the resources I have right now, and that's enough"
Why this works: "Shoulds" are often internalized messages from family, society, or past experiences that may no longer serve us. They create internal pressure and disconnect us from our authentic self.. When you identify and challenge these "shoulds," you reclaim your autonomy. You move from obligation to choice, which reduces resentment and increases genuine engagement.
Tool 5: Use Grounding Techniques in the Moment
Even with the best preparation, family gatherings can trigger intense emotional responses. When you feel yourself becoming overwhelmed, anxious, or reactive, grounding techniques help you return to the present moment and regulate your nervous system. These are tools you can use discreetly, right in the middle of a gathering.
The 5-4-3-2-1 Sensory Technique: This exercise engages your five senses to anchor you in the present moment and interrupt anxious or reactive thoughts. Take a moment to connect with the present moment and identify:
- 5 things you can see
- 4 things you can touch
- 3 things you can hear
- 2 things you can smell
- 1 thing you can taste
Box Breathing: This technique calms your nervous system and can be done anywhere without anyone noticing.
- Breathe in slowly through your nose for 4 counts
- Hold your breath for 4 counts
- Exhale slowly through your mouth for 4 counts
- Hold empty for 4 counts
- Repeat 3-4 times
Points of Contact: This simple technique brings immediate awareness to your body and the present moment.
- Take a moment to observe your body in the space it's in
- Notice every place your body is in contact with something else (your back against the chair, your feet on the floor, your hands resting on your lap, the fabric touching your skin)
- Count these points of contact slowly
- Focus on the physical sensation of being supported and held by these surfaces
Why this works: When we're triggered, our nervous system goes into fight, flight, or freeze mode. Strong emotions make it difficult to access our logical brain, causing us to react in ways that don't align with our values. Grounding techniques activate the parasympathetic nervous system, calming your stress response and helping you reconnect with the present moment, your logical brain, and your authentic self.
Putting It All Together
Use these five tools in combination for maximum effectiveness:
- Before the gathering: Complete your Circle of Control exercise, identify and challenge your "shoulds," write your values-based affirmations, set your clear intention, and practice your grounding techniques so they're familiar when you need them.
- During the gathering: Keep your affirmations accessible, remember your intention, redirect your focus to what's in your control when you feel reactive, notice when "shoulds" are driving your choices, and use grounding techniques whenever you feel triggered or overwhelmed.
- After the gathering: Reflect on what worked, notice where you stayed aligned with your values, celebrate the moments you honored your boundaries, observe which "shoulds" you successfully released, and acknowledge the times you successfully regulated your nervous system.
Remember, managing emotions and setting boundaries requires intention, not perfection. The holidays are often portrayed as purely joyful, but that's not everyone's reality. Some families carry deep wounds that make gatherings painful. And even if you love your family and have generally healthy relationships, the holidays can still trigger old patterns, surface tension, or leave you emotionally drained. Your experience is valid, whatever it looks like. These tools won't create a perfect holiday, but they can help you navigate the season with more grace and less depletion.
Be gentle with yourself and celebrate the small victories. Even small shifts in how you show up can make a meaningful difference.
